Every good striker suffers a goal drought at some point in his career. Take Peter Crouch for example, he went 19 games, a period spanning 4 months, without a goal for Liverpool in 2005. The scrutiny placed under him was huge and prompted the uncomplimentary headline of ‘Crouching tiger, hidden talent.”
In December 2005, Crouch scored. It was a relief. During the same year my own goal-scoring drought would end. Every good player has one. By 2005 my enigmatic football career was all but over so metaphorically, for the purpose of this blog, the goal scoring I am referring to is something entirely different from stroking a size 5 between a set of white sticks – although I concur the feeling is the same.
Female translation (where necessary) appears in italics from here forth.
During a goal-scoring drought the male ‘geezer’ will refuse to admit that he is not a big player touted by a big club.
During a prolonged period without sexual activity, male-folk will refuse to admit they are not an attractive proposition in demand by a fit female.
So here we go, the nitty gritty. The geezer has gone 18 months without so much as tickling a ladies arse with a feather duster and thus begins to doubt his very existence. This geezer is not helpless; he displays the creative flair of Lionel Messi but the finishing skills of Marcus Bent – a hopeless waste who wafted from club to club like some kind of bad smell.
He always has women on the radar; he creates opportunities yet he can’t put the chance to bed. Literally.
From personal experience, if a girl doesn’t text back, it’s not that she isn’t interested; it is simply that she’s in the bath and no mentally sane girl would take their phone into this private and cosy environment! Yes, every girl loves to wash her hair for prolonged periods of time and yes, every girl likes a good soak now and again; Bubbles included – not the pet monkey more commonly associated with Michael Jackson.
girl: enjoying a long 'text-free' soak
On the basis of this theory, if she doesn’t text back for any period of time, she is in the bath – in which case, I am rather worried about one girl who has been in the bath since 2006. How long should a girl be in the bath before you find the need to declare her clinically deceased?
The bath-theory is an excellent creation. A girl who never texts back is just more prided with preening themselves in the tub – she obviously doesn’t take her phone in with her because she doesn’t want it to get wet! If she is in the bath for a long time (hasn’t texted you back for a week), then she is merely watching hour upon hour worth of boxsets such as Friends or House.
How many times have you heard the term ‘confidence player?’ Harry Redknapp once quipped that Darren Bent missed a chance his ‘missus’ could have finished, and the fat cats who write the Sunday Sports section were scoffing tea and scones saying that Benty (no relation to aforementioned Marcus), was simply a ‘confidence player.’
It is on that note that geezers suffering goal scoring droughts need a solid arm of consolation round them; they need to remind themselves that if she hasn’t texted back for a week, a month, a year… give her time- it’s nothing personal, she is simply washing her hair or having a bath!
